Have you ever been on a decent first date, which led to a terrible second date, and then received a phone call the next week from the dread suitor requesting a third?
That’s about how I feel towards this book right now.
Carolyn, author of Radical Womanhood and I have been casually seeing each other through 200 pages of her thoughts on what it means to be a woman, and I’m about ready to throw in the towel. She called to me again today from her dark little compartment in my messenger bag, and begged for me to give her a fourth chance. This time, she had an offer I couldn’t refuse: she wanted to talk about sex. Godly sex.
Now, when she said godly sex, I naively assumed she meant the divine kind where she tickles my blushing vagina with the silver stud in her tongue, while adeptly maneuvering a magic bullet over my clit.
As it turns out, I was wrong. Carolyn just wanted to talk to me about the Christian way to bugger your husband.
“A crucifix shaped dildo?” I asked keenly.
No, the kind where you do it regardless of whether you want to or not. In fact, especially when you don’t want to— but only with the man you’re married to. You see, it’s simple really.
You keep your legs crossed and your teeth gritted until you stand in front of a preacher and your father “transfers authority” over you to your strapping young jackanapes. Then, after that magical moment, you become his dirty little porno princess. Not that there’s anything wrong with being a dirty little porno princess, but, after zero experience, you suddenly have to start doing everything on a whim. It is how you honor your husband. You see, he has different needs than you. And even though sex is uncomfortable, painful and weird, it is your duty to perform as often as he solicits. He didn’t get that degree in Business Management for nothing! He’s supporting your lifestyle, and now it’s time to drop it like its hot.
If you don’t, well, there’s a high probability he’ll cheat on you. Men are very sexually driven (its how the Good Lord designed them, bless their hearts) and Satan often leads them astray this way. If he does go astray, you have to ask yourself how much blame you share for this indiscretion.
I stare at Carolyn as if she has suddenly sprouted three heads; a go-to pose on our little outings. I often freeze in this attitude for minutes on end; so much so that it has become a real fear that my face may never return to normal and I will perpetually resemble a Van Gogh painting.
“But Care-bear,” I say (we’re on familiar terms, these days) “wouldn’t this encourage sexual abuse on the part of the husband and sexual passivity on the part of the woman? How can that be healthy?”
Oh, no, you silly slut. Having pell-mell coitus is a spiritual challenge and should be welcomed! When you do the dirty with your husband, you ar actually affirming his strengths and decreasing the negative thoughts which inevitably crop up in marriage.
I thought about my own past relationships. I once dated a man who was at a very unhappy place in his life. As a result, he developed a habit of regularly complaining about everything. The color of the new drapes, the waitress not putting enough ice in our drinks, the price of the birthday present he bought me. So, I thought to myself, I’ll just focus on his positives. He’s really irritating right now, but he’s a warhorse in bed. Maybe I’ll fuck the jolly back into him.
So for about a month, whenever he came home and started bitching and complaining about how loathesome his life was, I took my pants off and sat on his face. At first I thought it was working like a dream: he was delighted by the gesture and it successfully shut him up.
But then the plan hit a snag: he started complaining more. You see, when it comes to sex, men often repeat actions that are rewarded. If you give them poontang for bringing you flowers or a box of chocolates, they will repeat this behavior in hopes of gaining a similar result. So, Pavlov’s boyfriend became more and more negative, hoping for pity pussy.
I was exhausted. How hard could a relationship be?
I soon realized that a pussy is not a defibrillator, and if a man is determined that his life is D.O.A, it’s best to leave him be. Sex between two respectful, like-minded partners is a glorious thing indeed. I would encourage frequent nooky in such a relationship. However, Carolyn’s mentality of it being owed to the man can only guarantee one thing: a shift in the plate-tectonics of healthy intimacy.
Carolyn respecfully disagrees.