Slutty Book Reports: The 1980’s—Countdown to Armageddon

Hal Lindsey fascinates me. Really. Much the same way Fred Phelps or the Twelve Tribes fascinate me. And its not just the fact that his hair seems to have seen the ghost of Christmas future, yet his mustache retains its composure. Any intelligent human being who can speak and think coherently, but somehow still clings to such bugnutty beliefs is a living anomaly to me. The book I just finished reading, per your votes last week, was on the NY Times Bestseller list for over 20 weeks after it was published, and it’s easy to see why.

People love end-of-the-world stories with brave heroes and dastardly villains. Just ask Tom Cruise.

I started reading this book awed by the incredible amount of time and research this quaint little man put into thinking about how doomed we all are. He cites statements by ambassadors, generals and scientists over the years who agree with him. He also has apparently made a very stout living from speaking invitations and military consulting. You read that right, governments (including our own USA of the Reagan era) have used their tax dollars to pay this man to tell them how wars are going to start and end in the future. I can’t even.
The militant Israelis are especially keen on what he has to say, since he firmly believes they are the chosen people of God and are destined to overthrow their Arab oppressors. I mean, why promote peace when you can use a 5000 year old document to ascertain that the same people will be fighting over the same patch of desert until the end of the world?

Take a man who has an extensive knowledge of world military history and combine it with an equally impressive memory of Biblical prophecy, and you get a perfect storm for insane Armageddon predictions. It’s not that I have a problem with people who have creative imaginations about the end of the world. One day, the human race will cease to exist. Sure. But Hal’s point of view is there is nothing we can do about this. Crazy shit is going down, the least of which will possibly include invasions from UFO’s (see picture)

You see, folks, the only way to survive impending doom is to choose to follow the One True Messiah (the Jews are just in denial) and get raptured off this godforsaken planet. Otherwise, you’re pretty much doomed. There is no point trying to save the home we know or the people we love. All we can do is embrace the inevitable bloodshed and destruction and cling to our religion.  Here’s why:

The bible contains numerous prophecies that foretell of certain conditions and events that will occur in the world prior to Christ’s return. He states that, as these things occur, they are to serve as signs and reminders that we are in the era that the bible calls the end times or last days. Lindsey teaches that the prophetic event which officially begins the end times is the regathering of the Jewish people to their ancient homeland to form an independent nation after a prolonged worldwide dispersion. He states that the establishment of the State of Israel in May 1948 is the fulfillment of this major prophecy. He also suggests the last seven years of the end times is a period known as the “Tribulation”; which is described in the gospel of Matthew and the book of Revelation.

In the book, Lindsey writes that the biblical prophets identified certain nations that would ally with other countries to form “four major spheres of political power” during the same time period that Israel would be reestablished as a nation. Lindsey wrote that these nations and their allies can be identified as: (1) Russia with its allies, (2) China with other nations of the Orient, (3) Egypt with other Middle East countries, and (4) an alliance of Western European nations.

According to Lindsey, the alliance of Western European nations is a revived form of the ancient Roman Empire; predicted in the books of Daniel and Revelation symbolically as ten horns and ten kings. Vague much? Not says our buddy Hal.  In Armageddon, Lindsey quotes from a 1969 Time Magazine article that the goal of the European Economic Community, which preceded the European Union, was to establish a ten-nation economic community. Lindsey concludes, based on this and his own speculation, that this alliance will lead to the fulfillment of this prophecy and will ultimately be ruled by the Antichrist. What’s interesting about this is the European Union currently has 27 members, not 10. Hmmm….? These biblical prophesies also make no mention of the United States as a world power in the 20th century, which is interesting considering the US is Israel’s main (and most powerful) military ally.

Nevertheless, he indicates that he believes it is possible that the battle of Armageddon could take place in the not too distant future, stating, “the decade of the 1980s could very well be the last decade of history as we know it.”

Among a few scenarios that seemed plausible to him at the time: (1) A takeover by communists, (2) destruction by a surprise Soviet nuclear attack (he has an entire chapter devoted to how many nukes each of our enemies has), or (3) becoming a dependent of the 10-nation European community.

Seeing as how the USSR went the way of the Dodo bird, you’d think the man would have lost some credibility in his community. But no. He has since had many more  successful book deals revising and updating the ways in which we are all doomed. He has become more or less a minor Christian Zionist celebrity. Surprise!

In recent news, Lindsey (who now hosts The Hal Lindsey Report on the Trinity Broadcasting Network) contends that Obama may very likely be the anti-Christ. “Obama is correct in saying that the world is ready for someone like him — a messiah-like figure, charismatic and glib … The Bible calls that leader the Antichrist. And it seems apparent that the world is now ready to make his acquaintance.”

You know, God would have had much better luck if He’d given revelations like Taylor Swift does with each new record. In the song lyrics, she’ll put certain letters in boldface and when you put them all together they spell out the names of spurned lovers for whom she wrote the corresponding angsty song. Why does He choose instead to leave it up to the Hal Lindsey’s of the world to come up with this apocalyptic rigmarole?

Oh, that’s right. It’s all a bunch of rubbish. “We didn’t start the fire….”

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