Slutty Book Report: Why You Should Speak in Tongues

Have you ever been genuinely bewildered? As in, you see or hear something so bizarre, so buffoonish, so confounding, that you have to stop what you’re doing and make this face?


This is the kind of thing which makes you question the fate of the human species, if beings such as this are capable of reproduction.

This shakes you to your core and rubs you wrong in every conceivable way.

What am I talking about, you ask? The book you voted for me to read.

I recently finished reading Why You Should Speak In Tongues by Norvel Hayes, and by recently I mean I finished it in one sitting since the book is no more than 15 regular-book pages (I read the Kindle version).

If what I imagined it would be like could be compared to a pile of elephant poop, then what it actually was like can be compared to a pile of Brachiosaurus poop.

Here are some delightful passages to illustrate my point.

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Okay, this part appealed to my more base sense of humor. He wants to use your personality in His Ministry? Alright, sure. He wants to use your lips? Um…okay….surely he means for speaking. Presumably in tongues (please use a dental dam!)

But he wants to use your mouth? Either our author, in his endless enthusiasm for spreading….er…the Word….has been carelessly redundant in his prose, or the Lord has other use for your holiest of holes.

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This is what you should say. Because, you know, of course you talk to the devil at random. If someone is acting funky, the obvious conclusion is its the devil trying to undermine your work for the Lord, and you should declare the evil spirit be cast out in the name of Jesus. The person in question will definitely appreciate this gesture rather than conclude you’re certifiably insane and walk away quickly.

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As opposed to my inner woman? Or do I have an inner man too? That would explain my libido.

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This is probably the most dangerous concept I read in this “book.” Any time religion or religious persons tell you not to think, or not to trust your instincts in favor of the crock of shit they’re trying to feed you, you should be very, very skeptical. To further suggest that “God” won’t love you if you think is the epitome of poisonous reasoning. The ability to contemplate what we believe and why in this short time we’re alive, rather than usurp our cognitive abilities in lieu of fickle fairytales is what makes our otherwise meaningless existence truly awesome.

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Another rash assumption. What about people who pray with all their hearts and trust fully that their celestial petitions will be answered, only to have nothing happen? There is no science in answered or unanswered prayers. It is completely random.  Why? Because there is no God.  Besides, even if there was, if this god needed people to prostrate themselves and beg for his good graces, why would we worship him? He’s kind of an asshole.

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Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain. Believe in the mysterious unicorn power! It is real! Your intellect is unable to understand something so sophisticated and awesome, so just believe it on principle!

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This part was funny. I’ll summarize the maybe 3 pages of actual narrative the author wrote in  his personal experience speaking in tongues. (The majority of the book he just preaches about how we can’t trust our intellect or even how we feel, we just have to read the Bible and keep trying until it happens.)

So, basically, Norvel had been struggling to speak in tongues for nearly a year, but never felt the Spirit descend upon him. He starts to feel discouraged that he even has “the gift” but then he reads  a Bible passage which says you just have to thank God for the gift, even if its never happened to you (?!)

So when he prays, he starts doing just that. Nothing happens. But he refuses to be discouraged because he walks by Faith, not by Brain.

Anyway, he is driving on the highway to his church one day and starts to tingle all over. He said it was an incredible feeling. He also mentions he feels a sharp pain in his left arm, and the devil starts to tell him he’s having a heart attack rather than an encounter with the Holy Spirit. But being the high-falluting good Christian minister he is, he has learned to ignore the devil and embrace the Lord.  He opens his mouth and starts speaking in a Spiritual Language, and to this day has had the gift.

I was in shock when I read this ending. This man is driving down  the interstate, having a heart attack, yet is ecstatic that he is finally able to speak gibberish. I could not think of a more perfect illustration of Christianity.


10 responses to “Slutty Book Report: Why You Should Speak in Tongues

  1. One million points for reading it… even if it was just 15 pages.

    “Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain. Believe in the mysterious unicorn power! It is real! Your intellect is unable to understand something so sophisticated and awesome, so just believe it on principle!”


    I love the conclusion/analogy you draw at the end. Perfect. This shit is beyond batshit crazy. These fools seriously need to be referred to a team of clinical psychiatrists.

  2. What makes me wonder, is how does this kind of batshit crazy stuff, like the book you read, make the more moderate Christians feel about their faith. I mean, it has to be emotionally and intellectually straining, if you realize that the atheists are speaking for reason and logic (even if they are wrong from the point of view of the moderate Christian) and that the outspoken fellow Christians are speaking in “tongues” i.e. total gibberish.

  3. Urgh. All this stuff about how you’re not supposed to think for yourself is totally my biggest problem with religion.

    And anyway, even supposing, for the sake of argument, that some god did give some divine revalation to man in the form of a book… the only reason I have to believe that it is this book is that some other human said so. The “you just have to believe it cus my god said so and humans can’t really understand these mysterious things” argument just really does not work when the only source you have for what this god supposedly said is other humans. Basically, they’re saying “take what this god said on faith” when they really mean “take what these other humans said about this god on faith”.

    Mind, it was totally easier to come up with this counterargument when I was reading a preachy book about Islam rather than the preachy Christian stuff I grew up with. Nevertheless, it applies just as well to Christianity.

  4. I don’t remember how I got here (likely through someone I follow), but I’m glad I made it. This was an interesting read. It really presents the believer’s worldview in a uncensored manner. They’re not trying to pretty their beliefs up with scientific talk (like Chopra); it’s just a book from one loony-tune believer to another.

    Anyway, I share your sentiment that this was the most dangerous concept:

    “Whatever you have said, that’s exactly what I am going to believe. I’m going to act like like it’s true, regardless of how I feel.”

    This type of mindset is really dangerous, and unfortunately, I have several people in my family that think this way. There is no getting through to them. It reminds me of Tertullian’s proclamation, “Credo quia absurdum” – I believe because it is absurd. Simply stunning.

    Look forward to reading more.

  5. Pingback: It’s Slutty Book Report Time: You Decide What I Should Read Next | The Atheist Slut·

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