Thoughts Of Crotch Fruit (more commonly known as “children”)

As a mid-to-late twenty-something, I often encounter new mothers gushing (no pun intended….okay, maybe a little) about the  joy brought into their lives when an aggressively parasitic abdominal tumor ripped through their crotch and was given a name.

I just don’t know what I’m missing, it seems.

Now, don’t get me wrong. It’s a tough job and someone’s got to do it—the species literally depends on the maternal type. But they lose me when they say it has given them purpose.

No, silly. Not porpoise. PURPOSE. That thing which gives you meaning, direction, joie de vivre. As I reflect on this notion of not truly having achieved the apex of my feminine value by considering my uterus a more or less vestigial organ, I can’t help but wonder aloud.

Is it taboo to question whether parenthood might not be a sacred rite of self actualization?
For one, anybody with functioning reproductive organs or enough money can become one. This makes me worry that the bar is already set pretty damn low.
Secondly, there is no exam you have to pass to prove you won’t accidentally smother your new baby by thinking the diaper goes over the wrong end. This is equally concerning. For every parent who seems like they’re “doing it right” there are at least a dozen who make me fear for the future of the human gene pool.

Perhaps what provokes dread in me the most, however, is the people who say you’ve already likely become a parent and don’t know it. In fact, you’ve likely killed your baby (and, therefore, your porpoise) before he or she was even acknowledged in your womb.

You know the person I’m talking about, right? The one whose sister’s husband’s best friend’s wife’s cousin was taking birth control RELIGIOUSLY (red flag!) and STILL got knocked up. She was poppin pills like tic-tacs and blowing on more latex than a clown at a birthday party. This unexpectant mother always keeps the miracle baby in these stories, and it’s now the best thing that has ever happened to her, in her own words.
Or mayhap you’ve heard the tale of the woman whose birth control somehow managed to be effective her whole adult life until she reached age 34.8 and decided she wanted spawn—until— her doctor told her the pills had rendered her sterile and she tasted the bitter irony of her wasted youth! So much sperm spilt upon her all those years and for nothing!!! NOTHING!

It’s stories like these that make me want to get pregnant immediately, then take a hanger to my cervix and squeeze the thing out into a mason jar and mail it to them. That’s what I call “Prego”. What a bunch of assholes.

Maybe just maybe, parenthood doesn’t have to fit inside a shiny golden box, placed on the highest shelf of beautiful possibilities. Maybe you wanted kids, had them, and wished you hadn’t. Just because you love them now doesn’t mean they weren’t a mistake at the time. You just learn to live with it, much like all your other remotely shitty decisions like that ikea couch that looked totally mod in the catalog but feels like cement.

If you’ve had an abortion, the last thing you should feel is shame. You should feel way more shame if you had become a genital wart of a parent and doomed some poor kid to a shitty childhood. There’s nothing wrong with wanting a life with a lot more options for your savings account than someone else’s future college fund. There’s nothing wrong with being selfish and not wanting to wake up every 4 hours to offer your tit to some greedy little suckling. Who knows, maybe one day I’ll change my mind, but for now I refuse to operate under our culture’s fantasized view of parenthood.

I guess all I’m saying is, what’s good for the goose isn’t necessarily good for the gander. Especially when it comes to what you do with your eggs.

What do you think?


16 responses to “Thoughts Of Crotch Fruit (more commonly known as “children”)

  1. I think that if you arrive at self actualization without kids and expect everyone to accept it, it ought to be fair to accept the fact that someone else’s life could be fulfilled by having kids. Of all the weird, bizarre and dangerous stuff that makes people happy, kids are probably among the better options.

    And I think the window sticker is hilarious.

  2. When my eldest kid was a tiny baby my husband said it was like having to look after a really demanding pet that couldn’t do anything for itself.

    Some people love having a dog and it really enhances their lives whilst others buy one for Christmas and end up getting it rehomed for it’s own good (and their own sanity) once they realise how much work it is.

    Except you can’t just rehome a baby,no questions asked. So if you’re not prepared to clean up a lot of shit, lose a lot of sleep and have your whole life turned upside down then DON’T DO IT!

    Having kids is great, but it’s really not for everyone!

    • Ha! ” a really demanding pet”. Love it. thank you for the refreshingly honest insight into parenthood. I agree, its a full time job and shouldnt be embarked upon because it seems so dreamy, or the next logical step after marriage, etc.

  3. I agree….people get far too judgmental and holier and thou when it comes to the prospect of whether to have kids….or not. It’s just such a visceral subject for us all, I guess. But nobody should presume to know how someone does or should feel about it. Having children isn’t holy….or at least it’s no more holy than you make it. After having 3 of my own, I can honestly say they are the best thing I’ve ever done with my life and have given so much back since the days when I wanted to toss their tiny bodies across the room so they’d go “splat” against a wall and just stop CRYING!!! Now that they’re mostly adult I can sit back and glean the fruits of my labour….but never, will I ever, stop worrying about them, and that’s a part of the deal that nobody can truly warn you about when you start off.

    What gets me, is how judgey people get about the prospect of aborting a fetus….”How can you do that? Don’t you love your baby?” At 12 weeks? No. I certainly don’t. And anybody who thinks they do is delusional. AFter having a pregnancy scare after my third, I can honestly say that I would have had absolutely no qualms about emptying out my uterus, for a legion of good reasons. Sure I “fell in love” with my 3 while I was pregnant, but I didn’t delude myself into thinking I was actually in love with a son/daughter….I was in love with an idea….with the prospect of having a baby…not an actual person. Anyone who’s had 3 or 4 babies too many can attest to that. Hopefully you fall in love with them once they’re born and are irreversibly part of your world, but that’s not a guarantee. And if you can’t love them, you have no business trying to fake it. They should be with someone who truly loves and appreciates them.

    Don’t count yourself out, just yet though. Pre-kids I was never gung ho to have babies. I didn’t think I’d NEVER have them, but I had no urgent need….until one morning I woke up and was literally struck by a bolt of hormonal lightning. At age 27 I had to have a baby and I had to have it NOW! It was almost frightening how deep and undeniable the urge was. Just sayin’…you might still be slain in the spirit one of these days!

    • wow, the urge just kicked in that fast? Well, maybe some day. Right now I have some career goals and other stuff to tackle, and like my life just as it is. Who knows. The only constant seems to be change.

  4. One of the things that came between me and my ex-wife was how we looked at our kids. For her it was all self-actualization, romanticization and fulfillment. I once said to her that whereas she derived 100% of her life happiness from the kids, I only derived 50%, and I need other things in my life too. That was a hard thing to say out loud because I knew she would not take it well. And indeed, she felt extremely threatened, as if not agreeing with her view on kids equaled leaving or cheating. Funny thing was, she was very practical and feminist in other ways (a lit prof with a PhD), but when it came to family, about as conservative as you get.

    I love my kids. They are absolutely great, especially now that they are older. But I agree with everything you said about the way people seem to fawn over the idea of parenthood, and I’m so glad to read a woman who has the courage to say so, because getting judged by other women and moms would be the first thing that I could see happening. And that’s part of the problem, living near other parents, being constantly judged by women whose own self worth is tied up around their kids.

    • Thank you so much for sharing—-your honesty is refreshing as well. Being a mother is a beautiful and very serious responsibility and frankly it’s not for every woman. I recognize that in myself and call it what it is. What’s ironic is maybe one day I’ll feel ready or remotely interested and by then my ovaries will probably have retired. I guess there’s always the rent to own program (fostering). Cheers to secular parents by the way. Keep up the good work!

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