Dear future ex-husband

On my commute to and from work, I tend to crank up the local top 40 station to penetrate the ennui of being stuck in traffic. If you’re not aware of what the popular songs these days are about, here’s a brief summary of their message:

“I am overwhelmed by my sexual attraction to you.”

“My hands are in the air. Are yours?”

“My liver is actively trying to filter out all the alcohol I am imbibing and I feel grrrrrrreat!”

“You broke my heart but I still want you.”

“You broke my heart and I no longer want you.”

 Did I miss any?

Perhaps I’m an oddity, because none of these really resonate with me. It’s trite to use the word “love” when you really mean “intense desire.” It’s naive to hope you feel the same way about your significant other when you’ve been together 50 years. With any luck, it would have evolved into something much better than the fluttering feeling you noticed when you first got together. My list would look something like this:

“I like your pants…..on the floor. But please pick them up and put them in the washer after we’re done banging.”

“It’s Friday night. Let’s go to Home Depot, then have a beer and talk about home projects.”

“Imma vacuum the floor before you get home because I know cat hair makes your allergies flare up. Tru luv.”

You know, something like that. Way sexier.

Lately, however, a new one has come into the mix. The artist, Meghan Trainor, has made a name for herself in writing catchy tunes, her powerful vocals, and a proclivity for “female empowerment” themed lyrics. She started off with “All About That Bass” which encourages full figured ladies to embrace the fact that they’ll never be a “size 2” and to be proud of their bodies. This was all fine and dandy until she started dissing “skinny bitches.” This is basically the same as that fucking awful saying “real women have curves.” Hokay good. What if I don’t? Does that make me fake? ALL WOMEN ARE REAL WOMEN. Curvy, skinny, short, tall—all of us are real.

Why does it always have to devolve into who has a less-attractive body? Why can’t it be “skinny bitches are hot and chunky bitches are hot. yay!” instead of trying to shame the “other”?

And, by the way, I beg to differ about so-called “sticks” having no bass. /End rant.

thanks to @andystill for the photo!

thanks to the talented and hilarious @andystill for the photo!

Her new song, “Dear Future Husband”, which we will focus on today, has gotten me thinking a great deal about relationships and the expectations therein as well as what female empowerment actually means.

Here’s a few examples of lyrics and what my personal translations of them are:

Dear future husband,
Here’s a few things
You’ll need to know if you wanna be
My one and only all my life…..

“There are actually more hidden qualifiers to you being my one and only besides me taking that vow when we got married. LOLZ!”

After every fight
Just apologize
And maybe then I’ll let you try and rock my body right
Even if I was wrong
You know I’m never wrong
Why disagree?
Why, why disagree?

“If you grovel to me after we have different opinions about something, I might let you fuck me.”

Dear future husband,
Make time for me
Don’t leave me lonely
And know we’ll never see your family more than mine

“If you’re my man, accept that I’ll be needy AND greedy. The people who are important to you will never have the same priority as the people who are important to me. Deal with it.”

I’ll be sleeping on the left side of the bed (hey)
Open doors for me and you might get some kisses
Don’t have a dirty mind
Just be a classy guy
Buy me a ring
Buy-buy me a ring, (babe)

“I want you to fetch a tennis ball and bring it back to me in your mouth after I throw it. Also it would be great if I could wipe the mud off my shoes on you when I get home. Put a ring on it!”

Here’s the thing about feminism: it doesn’t mean women get their turn to treat men as shitty as they’ve treated us in the past. It means we’re equal. A feminist relationship is one in which neither party is an asshole to the other.

When I think about the decent guys who get with a girl who manipulates his willingness to please into a kind of subservience it really pisses me off. If you disagree with me, read the lyrics to her song and imagine it was sung by a guy to his future wife. Would it sound all cute and sassy then? Nope.

The thing I’ve learned about relationships is they will never work unless you’re coming at them with the mentality of empowering EACH OTHER, not focusing on exactly what you do or don’t want them to do to make you happy.

4 responses to “Dear future ex-husband

  1. excellent post. I’ve been with my husband for a little over 25 years now. We would rather be with each other than anyone else. We like the same things (well, he hates fresh tomatoes). We are friends and lovers, and we consider each other the best part of ourselves.

    Any woman who is looking only for a man to buy her a ring is a twit. She is certainly not anyone that supports equality.

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